Do it yourself: Meaty Goodness Orc Meat.

Greetings, to celebrate my return. I am sharing with you, my recipe for home made Dried Orc Meat. (beef Jerky) The difficulty for this is...... Can you fucking handle a knife? Good. How about turn your oven on to warm? Great. Now you too can start cooking like a Divine.

First off, go out to the nearest forest, and slay a few orcs. If you are too much of a bitch to do it, go to the super market. There you will find something called Flank Steak. Make sure it has little to no fat.  Got your meat, good. Time for the ingredient roll call.

You will need to fetch these items from your pantry, or supermart.


1/3 cup Worcestershire sauce
1/3 water*
2/3 cup soy sauce
4 tablespoons honey
1 teaspoons freshly ground black pepper
2 teaspoons onion powder
2 teaspoon liquid smoke
4 tablespoons of Sriracha
1 teaspoon of sugar

Now, here is the big deal. Take that hunk of meat, and put it in the freezer for 30 min to an hour. Just to let it firm up, unless you are better with a knife than most people. After your hour is up, cut that meat into  strips. You may go against the grain if you wish. I did. But most prefer to go with the grain, in about quarter to half inch strips. I went thinner.

Take your ugly meat strips, and toss them into a gallon zip top bag, or a bowl.

 Now take your liquid and spice ingredients, and put them into a measuring cup to help you get it RIGHT. Give it a good stir to make everything is all nice and blended. Then put it in the baggie with the meat. Seal it, shake it, and make sure every inch of meat gets covered with that goodness. Now toss it in the fridge, in a containment unit, to prevent leaks. If you used a bowl big enough, just seal it with a lid or plastic wrap. Let it marinate for 4-6 hours. I chose 4, because I am a man, and I want my dried flesh now!

4-6 hours later: Great prep your oven. Cover the bottom rack in foil, and take out the top rack. You may try to line each silly prong with foil. Or you can take the 30min before hand, and turn your oven on medium high for that 30min. Watch out it is hot.(duh) Now take some tongs, and a clean cloth. Put a bit of olive oil on the cloth, and proceed to clean your racks. Now let it cool off before arranging your meat strips onto your rack. You may hang it like I did, or you can lay it out flat. I had a lot of meat so I hung it to use less space. Make sure you have a bit of room between rungs and the meat. You set, your oven on the lowest possible setting, usually labeled warm? Great. Slap your rack back into the oven, prop the door open about anywhere from 1inch to 1foot, it wont matter. Now the hardest part. Wait 6-8 hours. Or until your meat is dry, and devoid of life.

Have fun with your orc meat. Let the meat dry further out of the oven, covered in some paper towels. If the meat  is not done within the 8 hours, give it another hour or two to finish in the oven. 

*I used water, but you may used more sauces. 

Rundown of flavors in the marinade:

The soy sauce and Worcestershire sauce provide that meatyness to the dried meat. Honey gives it a bit of sweetness, along with the sugar. The best part about it though is that it prevents your meat from getting brittle. Sriracha is in enough dosage to give you that sneaky heat. The basic onion powder, garlic powder, and ground pepper. Heighten the flavor profile, by giving you a bit more bite. This jerky is packed with protein.

Storage methods: Meat is fickle. If you got rid of nearly every bit of fat. In a CLEAN GLASS JAR, your jerky can be stored for anywhere from 1 week to 1 month, but I doubt it will last that long.